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Judgement Day

I have been thinking much lately about my day to day interactions with the general public and individuals. More specifically, how I internalize my experiences with individuals and how I perceive each individual and myself interacting with them.
I am very sensitive to "picking up" on human and animal energies. Interacting with or being in close proximity of another, I can with some individuals feel their energy be it negative or positive or indifferent, and it can affect me accordingly. It can be at times a most unpleasant experience, completely unbeknown to the person or persons I am receiving the feeling from. I am in the process of learning how to protect myself from what I describe as the "invading energy". It is proving to be a very interesting learning experience to which I may elaborate on at a later date.
My concern today is in deciphering if what I am feeling in these moments is just that, a feeling, or if it is just good old judgement. If there is judgement involved (which I feel there almost always is or that it must be) does it come first or after the initial barrage of energies and the accompanying feelings? Depending on the situation I think probably both or, either or. Before I had the realization that I am sensitive to energies, I thought that I was just a very judgemental person, (and I wanted to change that) but now I am questioning that.
But we all make judgements at one time or another. We all have judged and we all will judge. We will be judged. We judge ourselves. We are our own worst enemy (ego) and our own best savior (true self). When the ego or "unconsciousness" goes unchecked or there is no awareness of it, it will run amok and it can and will manipulate you. It is the proverbial "man behind the curtain". But once you expose the "man behind the curtain" you are finally your true self and it is then that you are not judging, you just are, and others just are. There is no more competition between egos. There is no need or desire to judge and if another judges you it has no bearing.
When I have judged others, I think that most of the time I am judging their decisions or choices, but then ones decisions and choices are a direct reflection of one...or is it? There is a saying: when you make a judgement, you do not define others, you define yourself.
Although I know that sometime ago I became consciously aware, that is I became aware of my ego (the constant commentary..our mind = ego) and that it is not my true self, I still struggle with the ego because it feels threatened and I am still learing how to be "in the now" at all moments. I know that with time it will come freely, but for the time being I struggle with it.
For those of you who would like to know more about the ego and becoming consciously aware, I recommend The power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. These books have helped changed my life and I highly recommend them.  Also Conscious Living Radio.

I have been trying to write something for days. Writer's block? I am not sure. I do know that I am inspired to write an entry but I have too many things that I want to write about and it all wants to come out at once but my mind is jammed. More like a bout of writers constipation I would say. It's all there, it wants to come out, but it can't. Is there some kind of ex-lax for the mind that I can take for this? Perhaps.  I will return to releive myself once I have aligned the jumble of frustrations, passions, outrages and theories that clog my cobweb of a mind...

Happy Birthday Johnny

Folsom Prison Blues

I hear the train a comin'

It's rollin' 'round the bend

And I ain't seen the sunshine

Since I don't know when

I'm stuck in Folsom Prison

And time keeps draggin' on

But that train keeps a-rollin'

On down to San Antone

When I was just a baby

My Mama told me, "Son

Always be a good boy

Don't ever play with guns"

But I shot a man in Reno

Just to watch him die

When I hear that whistle blowin'

I hang my head and cry

I bet there's rich folks eatin'

In a fancy dining car

They're probably drinkin' coffee

And smokin' big cigars

But I know I had it comin'

I know I can't be free

But those people keep a-movin'

And that's what tortures me

Well, if they freed me from this prison

If that railroad train was mine

I bet I'd move it on a little

Farther down the line

Far from Folsom Prison

Thats where I want to stay

And I'd let that lonesome whistle

Blow my blues away 

Johnny Cash

February 26, 1932 - September 12, 2003

$$$That's money, Honey$$$

Everything I've learned about [insert "choice" word here] , I learned through working retail.

During my 10 year stint in the wonderful world of various retail settings, I have learned many things, had many bizzare experiences and have had many mind-changing insights specifically into the realm of human behavior. So many in fact, that I believe I have enough material to write a book or two on the subject. I will not bore you with that lovely information at length today. However, I will share with you a few samplings that have been on my mind as of late.

1. People are blind. Upon entering a retail setting, persons who entered the establishment with full vision can mysteriously and seemingly conveniently become oblivious to otherwise blatantly obvious signs and notices that have been placed for their benefit. They will then approach the nearest employee with the look of profound stupor and lay blame on the lowly worker because it cannot possibly be their own fault that they didn't see what was right in front of their dumbfounded face. Which leads me to...

2. People cannot read. Better yet, they have extremely selective and skewed reading skills. How a label or tag for item A magically reads as the completely unrelated item B, C & D is beyond me. But don't try to correct them by trying to explain the actual reality, they will all of a sudden be unable to comprehend basic english as well.

The next realization that I will share with you finally came to me today;
3. I have no problem with customers paying with a $100 bill. However, I am not too keen when people present a $100 bill to pay for small insignificant purchases (purchases less than $20) only for exactly one of the following reasons:
a. They genuinely have no other cash than a $100 bill, and cannot/will not pay with some sort of plastic or other payment method. In my opinion this is the most resonable and ideal acceptable situation.

b. The bank machine has given them $100's and they are too rushed to go to a teller to receive smaller bills, so they want you to act as a bank & give them change. This is particularly frustrating for smaller business establishments who quite often simply do not have that kind of change to give out (especially upon the first hour or two of the day). Seniors and most likely elderly women are usually guilty of this annoyance. They become unreasonably irritated when you cannot provide them with the aforementioned change. Then the retail worker becomes irritated when after bitching and whining, the customer pulls out a few smaller bills that they had all along to pay for the purchase.

c. The bill is counterfeit. They are trying to get rid of it and receive as much legit change in return as they can. This one is true for really measly purchases. Especially purchases of $5 & even $1 or less. I have seen young, rookie cashiers fall for this scam more than once.
And finally the most likely reason that I see all too often on a much too regular basis, and what I feel is the most shameful of them all...
d. They do it to inflate their own grotesque egos. They will usually have a smug or pretentious holier-than-thou smirk on their face when they pull the money out of their wallet. It strongly comes across that they somehow feel liberated or superior to be able to pay for their little purchase with a large bill. Their feeling that money equates status, power & importance is blatantly showcased. After perhaps complaining about the cost of the item they are purchasing and then learning that there isn't enough money in the till to change the 100, they make sure you are looking and then pull out a thick stack of smaller bills that they slowly count out and use to pay for their tiny purchase. I would like to say to those people: Please. Get over yourself already.
Many years ago I had an elderly man present me with a $1000 bill to pay for a $75 purchase. I am pretty sure that it wasn't counterfeit, although I had never seen a $1000 bill ever before. He refused to accept the fact that I could not possibly process that large a bill even if I wanted to. Sorry, my till barely has enough change for $100 nevermind $1000! That's like $925 in change back. I had to call a supervisor over and he refused to reason with her as well. We told him to go the bank across the street and change it and he responded by saying that he would never shop at the store or the company again. I say go figure & good riddance!

Happy Birthday

Well it was Billie Joe's birthday on Wednesday. He turned 38! To celebrate Jay & I went out for dinner and I had two Long Islands (which conveniently happened to be the evenings drink special at only $3.95!!) (wanted to have a few more but I had to work in the morning) in honor of the Reverend Strychnine Twitch from Foxboro Hot Tubs (aka Billie Joe Armstrong) and Lushotology. Huh? Here is a little explanation taken from the myspace page: "The controversial Church of Lushotology was established in 1981 by romance novel writer Hal Don Burre. Known mainly as the man that introduced Liza Minnelli to the Pet Shop Boys., he was intrigued on how non toxic human beings are. It is a planet filled with toxins and waste, so why not join it? He was lunching with famed artist Patrick Nagel when he ordered a drink. He had no idea what to order because all the liquors looked so yummy and delicious, so he told the bartender to just pour all the liquors into one glass, thus inventing the "Long Island Iced Tea." A drink that found the author, now an inventor and soon to be the pope of his new found Church "Lushotology." It was then in his drunk induced coma that he envisioned his Church and wrote the bestseller "Intoxication is Intoxicating", the Church's bible." So I hope Billie had a great birthday!
Tomorrow is Kurt Cobains Birthday. He would be turning 43. I still feel sad that he is gone but I can understand why he did what he did. I feel morbid myself just on the thought of turning 30 very soon. It feels like too soon. Me...30? Such a strange concept. So I think I'll just have a second 29th birthday in the unrealistic theory that it will somehow put off the inevitable until I can come to terms with it and somehow accept wrap my warped mind around it. Happy Birthday Guys...

Here it Goes...

Well, I figure that it's time to lose my blog virginity and start kissing the masses with my neurotic prose. The ever increasing pressure of this constant commentary that goes through my mind, day in and night out, needs a portal to escape before my conscious mind explodes and creates a sticky gooey mess that I will ultimately have to contend with. I will try my best to avoid run-on sentences, but I offer no guarantees. I also must admit that I feel kind of ridiculous in that I am caving in to the ever popular activity they call "blogging". I mean the word itself is ridiculous. Blog...Blogging. It sounds like something I've done after a night of mixing too much vodka, wine, tequila, and dope. So why not just take pen to paper and reconnect with dear old diary? Penmanship is a dying form of communication. Do you remember how neat and sprawl-like your Grandmothers handwriting was? It is a rare sight to see a hand written letter that was actually sent and received through the postal service. And no one uses the beautiful type writer anymore except Harlan Ellison. There are some vintage type writers that just exude the awe and mystery of the era. We now have PCs and notebooks (and I am not referring to the fibrous paper variety). Oh and I can't forget to mention text messaging. Printing, hand-writing, cursive writing, calligraphy are all dying forms of communication and art. I could take up its cause. Start a charity. "Save Penmanship Now...donate today". I don't see why not. There seems to be a charity for every conceivable cause one could imagine. Not that I am against all charities...just a few, but that is a whole other post entirely. I must say that my writing or should I say blogging style is most likely going to be sporadic, off topic, hypocritical, humorously dry, perplexing and at times offensive, but hey, who dosen't appreciate a little conscientious drivel now and then?